At least I’m mostly sure that that’s what’s wrong with me.. The last two weeks have been really tough. There’s not even one particular reason that keeps triggering my episodes but there’ve been several. I spent a night crying alone on the floor of my apartment. I broke down at work yesterday, and that night I had another episode where I just cried all night. I keep trying to pinpoint what the commonality between all of these I guess the real answer is that there isn’t one. But something is wrong. I’ve been thinking about killing myself just because it might be easier and less painful than all of the emotions that I’ve been feeling lately. I tried reaching out to one person today to try and feel validated and like my existence was worth something, and after he let me down I cut myself.
Self harm isn’t something I ever thought that I would resort to and honestly I used to judge the people that I knew would do it. I used to think it was some desperate cry for attention and that they were just more fucked up than everyone else. Little did I know. I’m not doing it for the attention, but I might be doing it because I am more fucked up than other people. It’s hard to describe what cutting felt like. The knives I have aren’t sharp enough for any cuts to be deep enough to be fatal, but I have the red lines on my hip from this morning. They sting every time I change position sitting down, but that pain lessens whatever I’m feeling at the moment so I’m thankful in a twisted way. I contemplated overdosing on medication but the strongest thing I had on hand was advil and after doing some research that didn’t seem like it would have been very successful or worth the effort.
It’s hard to talk about where all this is coming from, and I’m sure to my friends on this site it’s probably startling to read this but I am not ok. I haven’t been ok for a very long time. I’ve just been good at hiding it and deflecting questions but I can’t do it anymore. The pressure has gotten to me and the feelings of loneliness, worthlessness, isolation, and stagnation have become overwhelming. I don’t have a good support system in my life. I don’t have any close friends, much less any people that I would feel comfortable sharing the messed up parts of myself with. Every time I try and articulate it, I get shut down or someone tries to put me in a box like they can fix me just by willing me to be something else. I’ve been called crazy and outrageous and I’ve come to realize that things aren’t that simple. Having emotions does not make you crazy. Being depressed does not make you crazy.
I’ve grown up repressing a lot of my feelings because my parents are the stereotypical overprotective ones who never wanted me to go out in high school and if I got below a B made me feel like crap. I grew up trying to be their ideal of perfect so how am I supposed to open up to them about this part of me? I can already predict their reactions.. my mom would never look at me the same and would go to church everyday, wondering what on earth she did wrong. My dad probably would try and make me feel better but just end up making me feel worse because we’ve never been that close and I don’t want anything from him anymore much less his pity. My brother and I don’t talk and he’s one of those super judgmental kids who wouldn’t get it anyway. So I’m turning to you cyberspace.
What has gotten me to this point?
Familial stress… I don’t talk about what issues my family has beyond surface ones to anyone. No exceptions. But there are a lot of issues there, and they’ve been affecting me since we moved back to NM from Hawaii.
Pressure to be perfect… I’ve already touched on this, but I don’t react well to criticism from anyone, much less people who’s opinions I think highly of. When I do something, I give it 100% (unless it’s school, but we’ll get there) and no one can give me any feedback that I didn’t already think about and chastise myself for.
School… One of my biggest life regrets is staying in NM to go to college. Sure, I got a full ride but it’s done nothing but fuel my feelings of stagnation. While my friends are off having exciting adventures and making new friends, I’m stuck right where I’ve always been, doing nothing important, with no idea with what I’m going to do with my degree. I’m also quite good at self-handicapping myself when it comes to my grades. I hardly ever go to class, I give the bare minimum of effort with homework and tests, and somehow I’ve managed to hang onto my scholarship by the tips of my fingers.
Work… I’m a manager at a local pizza chain and while I love my employees, peers, and boss, I hate the customers. Being treated like a subhuman robot for 37 hours a week does not do anything good for your self esteem. I run some of the best numbers in the company, my employees love me, my bosses love me, and my peers are intimidated by me, but all it takes is one comment about how shitty of a job I’m doing at my job because one person’s pizza was too burnt for their liking for that confidence to dissipate. I’m sorry the music was too loud, you thought my employees were disrespectful and having too much fun, and your pizza/sandwich/salad looked like shit (even though I know for a fact that’s not true because quality is our priority and we would never hand out something that looked as terrible as what you brought back to us for a refund). I’m sorry I’m not going to give you free food because your order was wrong yesterday and you didn’t talk to anyone about it then. I’m sorry you felt the need to complain to corporate about all of the above. I’m sorry I’m not sorry.
Money…. I make good money at my job, but i have a ton of monthly expenses (rent, electricity, car payment), and I don’t mind paying for some of it but it would be nice to know that if I really needed it, once in awhile my dad would help me out with it since he makes a six figure salary.
Lack of friends…. Working as much as I do I don’t have time to go out and meet new people and by nature I’m not outgoing at all. I definitely feel like the ones that I have now would panic if they heard any of this too.
My boss is leaving… Not a big deal right? For most people that’s probably true. My boss is exceptional though. I was a good manager before I moved to her location, but working with her has made me great. She legitimately cares about her employees and goes out of her way to make sure that we are the best versions of ourselves. She has actually taken the time to get to know me and she’s pieced together pieces of myself that I usually keep hidden. She is my rock, and I’m scared shitless about what’s going to happen to me and our store after she leaves.
Michael… I think I do the worst job of explaining what this person has been to me the last year and a half ish. My boss may be my rock, but he is my cornerstone. I take so much shit from him and I keep coming back because for some reason he’s made me so goddamned dependent on him. He’s the first person I want to talk to during the day, the last person I want to talk to at night, and I tell him all of the important things that happened to me during the day, even if he just brushes them off and makes fun of me for thinking trivial things like that are so important. Lately I’ve been getting more frustrated with him, and it’s because I’m selfish and I want to be the priority in his life and now I’m competing for his attention with this other girl. I want to be happy for him, but how am I supposed to be happy when I’m losing such a huge part of my recent life? In all fairness I did warn him from the beginning that I’m not good with people who get close to me and I’ll do everything i can to push them away while at the same time just wanting them to be closer to me, and he said that he wouldn’t let me do that to him, but I guess all promises are meant to be broken. I hate that I’ve spent so much time investing all this effort and all these feelings into him only to realize that I’m not a priority in his eyes. I have never been a priority. I have this theory with another friend that I call the Michael Cycle. He gets interested in new people he meets and for some reason he can really only focus on one person at a time, so that person feels special for a little bit, but then he loses interest and moves on to the next person. It’s not just people either, he goes through this cycle with everything in his life including video games, card games, books, tv shows, etc. I’ve never really called him out on it before, and I guess if you’re reading this, I’m sorry for that. He’s seen me cry more than anyone else who’s entered my life, and he also may be the worst at comforting me which is ironic. It’s gotten to the point where I deserve better and I know it but every time I start walking away I instantly regret it because of all the good moments we’ve had together. Watching movies and getting distracted in the middle by each other, having tickle fights that ended in something more intimate, getting each other pillow pets and naming them based on a stupid inside joke, that isotopes game we went to, only drinking rum because that’s all I knew I liked before we turned 21, me consistently breaking things of his/spilling shit everywhere, having matching phone passwords, going to California and walking to the beach and drinking beer under the moon, buying lunch and watching crappy reality tv, getting obsessed with yugioh cards, etc. I remember it all too well. And I need to stop. I deserve a best friend that if I confide in that I’m feeling so hopeless and miserable and that I’m seriously considering killing myself is going to care and make an effort to make me feel better instead of getting drunk with other friends and then going to the zoo and having an awesome time without me. So to you, I’m sorry I’m not fun and happy anymore, and that I ask you to spend time on me and pay attention to me, but you should be sorry that you don’t make an effort anymore either and you don’t take me seriously. I used to measure myself against him when it came to work performance, and I know in my gut even if he won’t admit it ever that I am better than him. I’m a better person than him too, and I can see why I’m the only person that knows the real him because the real michael is not charming.
I don’t have a fix for all of the feelings that I’ve been feeling or how lethargic I feel and how nothing really makes me happy anymore, but I do remember what happiness feels like and that makes the numbness of depression painful. I’m sorry I don’t live up to all of your expectations, that I’m more fragile than I appear to be, and that I can’t control my emotions 100% of the time. I don’t want attention for the sake of attention, I want someone, anyone, to care that they want me around for who I am plain and simple. Including all of the broken messed up bits that I try so hard to keep locked away. I’m sorry if this made you uncomfortable.